SIR LEONARD, a thin knight.
SIR ELMO, a fat knight.
TOM, SIR LEONARD'S squire.
JACK, SIR ELMO'S squire.
SCENE I.
In a market.
Enter Tom and Jack.
The means wherein our game may
be full hatch’d.
Pray do thou prick Sir Paunch in
all small way;
Yet keep discreet, lest this
fray turn us prey.
Jack. What, dost say to pray? Nay, rather prey to
Stay the rogue that dares balk
to see the play!
Tom.
Thou hast true spirit, lad. What
say you now
To a wager ‘gainst our stout,
lean masters?
He, for his sage warnings, who
doth gain the
Greater sum shall require the other to
Jack. Done!
Fare thee well, till the morrow.
Tom.
Adieu.
Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Sir Leonard’s castle.
Enter Sir Leonard and Tom.
Leon. I
tell thee, Tom, my honest honour gapes
In wonder still, that this
portly pot-gut,
Lump o’lead, bright bulbous-nos’d,
fish-barrel
Dares slight my true
swordsmanship and fair name!
Elmo! Why, his very name is ashamed
To cling to ponderous
waste. Sir Rotund, I
Dub him. A hog wallowing in mire
Has more brains in its noodle than
this huge
Bacon! But soft, what points hast thou observ’d?
Tom.
The hill, in faith, is slow afoot and slides
Sluggish when press’d to guard
his lumpy stumps.
Leon.
Bodes well and true, for each mountain fears to
Lose its foundation when quake
shakes it low.
Tom.
Sure, you’ll level the fat devil m’lord.
Yet, should, by chance, he evade
thy broad sword,
The vast expanse near equator
provides
Ample space to dart in, puncture, and leave
The deflated sphere to topple in
fear.
Leon.
Egad, methinks I do begin the fair
Contest to so savor that would
the queer
Blow bag were here, while his
mettle I pare.
Tom.
Content thyself, m’lord, to know that ‘fore
The morrow be o’er, the steady
drizzling
Nostrils of the hulkish,
beer-guzzling oaf
Shall ne’ermore protrude to rise
above thee.
Leon.
Enough. Relish these points as
to my point
I repair in anticipation of
The sport. Good Tom, sly Tom; this gold crown I
Bestow as just reward for true
service.
Away. Exit.
Tom. Shalt say profit be made only
By straight face? Nay then, I’ll procure yet more
Means to lay on with other jolly
joke. Exit.
SCENE III.
Sir Elmo’s castle.
Enter Jack.
Jack. O, what heavy labour is this I take
To please Old Stout in such
manner that he
Relinquish but a coin in
pleasure of
My good cautions. List,
such heavy clomping
Proclaim obese Gargantua at
large.
I must now the servile sycophant
play.
Enter Sir Elmo, lumbering.
Elmo.
Gangling goon, lean green bean!
Dares tweak his beak
At my magnitude of awesome
title?
Zounds! I’ll pluck up Sir Gaunt; let frail, scrawny,
Spindly spider quake in full
fright. Mark me,
I’ll squash the bug. I’ll seize thus and consume
His last feeble struggle! So, boy, how now?
Com’st from yon chicken
court? Speak out, what news?
Jack. Succinct then I tell thee, lord. Strike quick his
Lengthy limb and shalt sure
upset him then.
Elmo. (aside.) ‘Tis sound counsel this, to cut asunder
Bony long-leg, for it’s o’erlong
to shield.
Jack. And should, perchance, the lean thing fail
to yield,
Thrust deep and fast past poor
guard into his
Slack maw; triumph certain waits
you on this.
Elmo. (aside.) Doubly good this news; most sure I’ll
not lose.
Jack. This last, m’lord. Thy rapid rapier
Dart in to sting his snout and
set to rout.
Elmo. (aside.) Thrice good cheer.
Jack.
Sir –
Elmo. Hence
boy, and fetch me beer!
Jack. Noble sire, may I praise thy prowess,
Acclaim thy true wisdom; applaud
this brave
Heart while all laud thy fame and do extol
Thy name? Great one, huge in manly stature,
Giant of grand glory, vast
perfection;
I do but beg one slight meager
favour:
If my news is well, can’st give
some token?
Elmo.
What? Say again! Mine ear deceives me, slave.
Token? A coin, ask’d for a coin?
Why thou
Saucy villain; thou toad. I’ll give token,
Thou rat, knave Jack! This to repay thy tongue.
Hits Jack on the
head.
Jack. Alack, woe is me! Exit running.
Elmo. Halt, villainous knave! Exit chasing.
SCENE IV.
In a market.
Enter Tom and Jack.
Tom.
Well Jack, how far’d thee in the cheery game?
Methinks thou can’st not top my
crown of gold.
Jack. Indeed, thou art not the only rogue to
Be crown’d, though I’d rather
have thine than mine!
Tom. So
then, give me my due. Now, where to
meet?
Jack. On the morrow, at sol’s high tide, have thy
Lanky, light knight at the Old
Mill appear.
Now let’s away to urge our lords
prepare. Exeunt.
SCENE V.
Old Mill Field.
Enter Sir Leonard and Tom.
A sot ‘neath his greasy, slop-strewn table.
Craven coward, would dare tempt
my courtly
Manner? The hour is come — Ah, see yon sight?
Though in truth, I scarce give
credence to mine
Eye. They must needs trundle the heap here by
Cart and strive sweaty to
disgorge the huge
Hunk. I do fully marvel at the feat!
He’s like mountain boulder
rolling aground
To sink in ooze; he’s a
sand-filled gourd.
Tom.
The elephant rumbles to meet thy sword.
Enter Sir Elmo and Jack.
Jack. Sir knight, behold the flow’r of chivalry;
Quiver, tremble before his
might. On this
Fair field today thou’lt see
noble honour
Reclaim’d from thee. No more can patience hold
Back the raging humour within my
lord;
Therefore, strike now or yield
with gracious bow.
Elmo.
Enough of words, my blade yearns for his blood!
Leon. Thou
vast, bulky, bloody clot; most damned
Demon, begin the play. I’m come for thee now!
Both knights stand ten feet apart making
passes.
Jack. Haste my hearty lord, lest he put on skill.
Both strike at the other’s legs and are
parried.
Leon & Elmo.
(aside.) This fellow surpasses his estimate,
Which had me think his defense
quite impair’d.
Now to reveal his weak guard,
which can but
Unmask faulty training and leave
him scar’d.
Both strike at the other’s stomach and are
parried.
Leon & Elmo.
(aside.) Curs’d luck. Some foul demon heavenly sent
Guides his point to check my
mighty lunge. Would
That hell send saint to bless
him with red rent,
As with this foil I will make my
word good.
Both strike at the other’s nose and are
parried.
Leon & Elmo.
(aside.) Hold, ‘tis beyond belief! O, deaf ear hath
Here turn’d. ‘Twould prove folly most gross were I
To prolong this, lest I receive
some scathe.
I’ll find escape, yet still hang
plaudits high.
Leon. Do thou proceed in bold term,
for
Sinew, spark of spirit, which
behooves me
Thy plaint to hear. In a word, I trumpet
Thy train’d martial art and am
inclin’d my
Past grief to relinquish in
deference
To thy manly manner. In sooth, this cause
For quarrel is moot and I would
rather
Resume friendship than hack and
hurt thy skin.
Elmo.
Humbly I greet thy well beseeming word.
My heart is most mov’d with joy to grasp my
One-time partner; off with
hot-blooded broil,
On our satiated honour. My hand.
Leon.
Noble lord!
Elmo. Good master! They embrace.
Tom. O, hold my side!
I burst at seams to dam flooding
passion.
Good knave, let’s part these
two, or ‘fore heav’n, I’ll
Let loose tumultuous, snorting
laughter.
Jack. I hear you. O, kind sirs, surcease this speech;
‘Tis more suited to banquet hall
than field.
Exeunt.
SCENE VI.
On a road.
Enter Sir Elmo and Jack.
Elmo.
Sage Jack, I feel this duel has restor’d,
Even increas’d mine own
honour. Take heed
That all further report include
true deed
Of the day’s hot and strait
fray. Come, receive
These several sovereigns with my
thanks.
Heartfelt
thanks! (aside.) So, he thinks to bribe my tongue.
I’ll play the
game, though should I prove victim
To devil’s drink,
I claim not mine action. Exeunt.
SCENE VII. On another road.
Enter Sir
Leonard and Tom.
Leon. Straightway I charge you ne’er relate this past
Sporting, else
you’ll rue your birth and curse fate!
Weren’t not for my
prowess your poor counsel
Would have me
implanted before my time.
Tom. But sir –
Leon. Silence!
I’ll hear from you no more! Exeunt.
SCENE VIII. In a market.
Enter Jack and
Tom.
Tom. Ah Jack, does my soul good to greet thee now.
Direful melancholy
hath snatch’d me. How
Prank shall turn
and give me such foul setback.
Jack. Perchance worry works
our minds to whirl, that
Through haze we
might again see better days.
Enough on
this. Behold my gold, old churl.
I have four crowns
to your one. Pay me now;
‘Tis manifest that
I win our small jest.
Tom. By hell, I’ll not follow your game! Dog, rat;
Out steel and gore
base-born thief and coward!
Jack. Nay, I’ll not fight you
here, though my dagger
Cries to slit your
gut. If you be manly,
Let’s haste away
to Old Mill Field to see
Who rightly rules
these gold jewels!
Tom.
I’m with you! Exeunt.
Finis.
Duane R. Hurst
Laie, Hawaii